Of all the ‘Days’ we commemorate, R U OK? Day seems to rub many the wrong way. Is it really as superficial as they say? Let’s look at that.
Today, September 12, is R U OK? Day in Australia – and honestly the only thing I don’t love about it is having to use a question mark in the middle of a phrase.
I’ve always looked at R U OK? Day as a conversation starter, a valuable reminder to check in with people — something often forgotten as we all hustle to keep our heads above water.
Not everyone sees it that way. Like Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, or any of the other commemorative days, R U OK? Day is often written off as a shallow effort, paying lip service to a much deeper problem.
What are the complaints?
I’m going to drop these into some expandable sections, in case anybody is sensitive to the discussion.
It feels superficial
Some say it’s more performative than meaningful.
People argue that asking “Are you OK?” once a year, without any follow-up or genuine interest, can feel hollow. It’s all well and good to ask, but what happens after that? Critics feel that there’s not enough focus on providing ongoing support or resources for people struggling with mental health.
The question can come off as too simplistic
A simple “Are you OK?” doesn’t always cut it.
For those going through tough times, especially if they’ve been struggling for a while, this question can feel too broad or dismissive of the complexity of their situation. It’s not just about being “OK” or “not OK,” but often about a whole range of emotions and struggles that aren’t easily unpacked in one chat.
It’s awkward and puts pressure on people to respond positively
For the person asked, it can feel like you’re forced to say “Yes, I’m fine.”
Some people, especially those dealing with mental health issues, feel pressured to respond in a socially acceptable way rather than admitting they’re struggling.
Mental health is complex – to say the least – and not everyone is comfortable or ready to open up just because someone asks.
Critics say the day can create the expectation that people should feel better just because they’ve been asked if they’re okay.
It’s not just mental health that’s complex, either. Friendship dynamics can be deeply complicated too.
On both sides of the question, it can leave one friend feeling like it’s rude or awkward to ask, while the person being asked might take the question as an insult, as though their friends see them as a risk. There’s something ironic about this, given that part of the R U OK? Day cause is to inspire friends to open up to an honest conversation often ‘taboo’ in group dynamics.
Lack of systemic change
It doesn’t address the bigger issues.
Another frequent criticism is that focusing on individual conversations once a year doesn’t tackle the larger, structural problems in mental health care. Issues like lack of affordable therapy, excruciatingly and dangerously long wait times for mental health services, and the stigma around seeking help – these problems don’t get fixed by asking people if they’re OK once a year.
Critics feel a greater investment in these areas would make a much bigger difference than a single day of awareness.
Fatigue and tokenism
Some find it feels like a box-ticking exercise.
For those already struggling with mental health issues, or working in spaces where mental health is a daily topic, R U OK? Day can feel exhausting.
There’s a sense that some workplaces or individuals treat it like a one-day effort to “tick the mental health box”, a task somebody can quickly tick off and declare themselves a good friend or employer – without creating real, lasting change in how we support one another year-round.
It can feel overwhelming, or depressing
For some, the day shines a spotlight they don’t want – or fails to shine a light where it would really be welcome.
If you’re not OK, being bombarded by “Are you OK?” questions can feel overwhelming or intrusive. For people struggling in silence, it can feel like too much attention or even pressure to be vulnerable when they’re not ready to open up.
There’s another side to that: those struggling might see R U OK? Day as a reminder – imagined or not – that their friends and family haven’t noticed that help is needed.
Many who need help can’t bring themselves to ask for it, and feeling unnoticed by those closest to you can be devastating. It’s like your body language is screaming ‘help me!’ but you’re being ignored. Often, it’s not that people don’t care—it’s that you’ve become too good at masking or camouflaging your feelings.
In a nutshell, a lot of the complaints are about the execution rather than the intention.
The idea behind the day is good, most agree, but it doesn’t always translate into genuine, lasting support for mental health.
A lot of this conversation happens online, of course, but it’s almost too big a topic for the social media era to really handle. My own experience with conversation online is that many people will see a link posted, read the headline and excerpt, and then blast an opinion based entirely on those two snippets alone.
Is R U OK? Day actually superficial and ineffective, or is it simply a victim of its own branding?
Making it a ‘Day’ can lead critics to leap to the obvious complaint: “mental health should be a year-round effort!”
Yep. It should be a year-round effort. It is.
Ignoring for a moment that R U OK? is far from the only campaign devoted to mental health, it’s nonetheless an enormous resource for friends and family.
If you visit the R U OK? website, you’ll find pages and links developed to help you approach the question and conversation in a meaningful and purposeful way.
Some big, bold headlines on the page include:
“Free Resources: Everything you need to make it meaningful” – and when you click through, the first heading is “Ask R U OK? Any day”. Clearly they’ve realised they need to address the criticism head-on:
A lot can happen in a year, a month, a week. Whether it’s your friend, family member, colleague, partner, or teammate, the people you care about go through life’s ups and downs every day.
By having regular, meaningful conversations, you build trust and normalise talking about what’s really going on, so when the people in your world find themselves struggling, they know you’re someone they can talk to.
So whilst R U OK? Day on Thursday September 12 is our National Day of Action, we encourage you to Ask R U OK? Any Day of the year because a conversation could change a life.
How tho?
Another great page is ‘Learn how to ask’.
There’s actually a great little checklist and guide there, to help you make sure you’re ready to ask the question and have the conversation. I’ve popped them below.
1. ASK R U OK?
Be relaxed, friendly and concerned in your approach.
Help them open up by asking questions like “How are you going?” or “What’s been happening?”
Mention specific things that have made you concerned for them, like “You seem less chatty than usual. How are you going?”
IF
If they don’t want to talk, don’t criticise them.
Tell them you’re still concerned about changes in their behaviour and you care about them.
Avoid a confrontation.
You could say: “Please call me if you ever want to chat” or “Is there someone else you’d rather talk to?”
2. LISTEN WITH AN OPEN MIND
Take what they say seriously and don’t interrupt or rush the conversation.
Don’t judge their experiences or reactions but acknowledge that things seem tough for them.
If they need time to think, sit patiently with the silence.
Encourage them to explain: “How are you feeling about that?” or “How long have you felt that way?”
Show that you’ve listened by repeating back what you’ve heard (in your own words) and ask if you have understood them properly.
ENCOURAGE ACTION
Ask: “What have you done in the past to manage similar situations?”
Ask: “How would you like me to support you?”
Ask: “What’s something you can do for yourself right now? Something that’s enjoyable or relaxing?”
You could say: “When I was going through a difficult time, I tried this… You might find it useful too.”
If they’ve been feeling really down for more than 2 weeks, encourage them to see a health professional. You could say, “It might be useful to link in with someone who can support you. I’m happy to assist you to find the right person to talk to.”
Be positive about the role of professionals in getting through tough times.
IF THEY NEED EXPERT HELP
Some conversations are too big for family and friends to take on alone. If someone’s been really low for more than 2 weeks – or is at risk – please contact a professional as soon as you can.
CHECK IN
Pop a reminder in your calendar to call them in a couple of weeks. (Or, more easily, ask your phone’s assistant to remind you in a couple of weeks.) If they’re really struggling, follow up with them sooner.
You could say: “I’ve been thinking of you and wanted to know how you’ve been going since we last chatted.”
Ask if they’ve found a better way to manage the situation. If they haven’t done anything, don’t judge them. They might just need someone to listen to them for the moment.
Stay in touch and be there for them. Genuine care and concern can make a real difference.
Who has the bloody time or headspace?!
Honestly, I think this is probably the biggest issue for a lot of people when it comes to asking a friend if they’re okay.
These days, it can feel like friendships are conditional on not introducing drama. Be my light and my relief, not yet more darkness and stress – that sort of thing.
That sounds grim, but depending on your life stage or path, there might be a part of you deep down that thinks any combination of these: “Life’s hectic enough. I’ve got young kids, work is killing me, my marriage is a shambles, my financial situation is consuming me… my own mental health is enough work as it is!”
I won’t pretend none of those thoughts have ever come to me, so I get it. How do you open yourself up to asking a question that might lead to yet another ‘job’ in your overloaded life – helping a mate in trouble.
And, hey, think about it: if you’re battling any of the above worries, maybe you need the chat as much as your mate does.
Whatever you think about R U OK? Day, I reckon it comes down to this one point: You probably won’t find a single surviving friend of a suicide victim who doesn’t wish they’d asked the question.
Why risk it? If it helps, this is how I usually ask the question: Firstly, I try to do it in a group setting, to reduce the potential that any one bloke feels targeted or awkward. And then I ask:
“Fellas, it’s R U OK? Day – and as much as some blokes might hate getting into deep topics, I’m gonna say it anyway: If any of you are feeling like you could do with a frank chat about whatever’s on your mind, come at me. I’d rather get into the thick of a shitty topic than see any mates steering into a bad place.”
It’s not that easy for everyone, but it’s worth it, right?
Of course, none of this is to say there aren’t valid complaints about Australia’s funding of mental health resources. A lot of it has improved, especially since COVID, but there are some serious gaps and the usual bureaucratic bullshit.
There’s been increased funding – to the tune of $2.3 billion budgeted for the National Mental Health and Suicide Prevention Plan in 2021 – but that sort of spend is usually designed to be handed out over the course of years, which means the urgency of the situation isn’t being addressed as quickly as it should. And even when money is allocated and available, there’s the lack of qualified professionals to fill those roles. ‘Too little, too late’ is probably ringing in your ears…
Post by @konkarapanagiotidisView on Threads
Aussies have long had access to Mental Health Care Plans, which is great in concept: 10 sessions with a psychologist, covered partially by a Medicare rebate.
However, you need a GP referral first, and then you need to get an appointment with a psychologist that’ll leave you waiting for months (I was lucky: only a 3-month wait), and then you’ve got to cover whatever the gap payment will end up being – not an easy ask for some folks, and thus a barrier in its own right.
As voters and citizens, we can keep the pressure on government to make sure the mission of mental health doesn’t slide down its priorities list, but it also means…
Asking the question is really, really damn important, because you might be the fastest and easiest access to a first step in getting the help a friend needs.
Just… be ready. Be ready for a deeper conversation rather than the “yeah mate I’m good!” answer you’ll be hoping for. Follow the guide! One more time for the people in the back:
There are some great interest-based groups out there, too, created to address mental health while enjoying a shared passion. If you’re into cars, Drive Against Depression is a great one!
And remember, mental health is a topic and a mission close to many people’s hearts. A lot of them work or volunteer for the below services, so reach out if you feel like you need to. None of them can replace proper treatment, but it can be a good start.
- Lifeline Australia – call 13 11 14
- Beyond Blue – call 1300 22 46 36
- 13YARN – Aboriginal & Torres Strait Islander Crisis Support – call 13 92 76
- QLife – call 1800 184 527
- MensLine Australia – call 1300 78 99 78
- Kids Helpline – call 1800 55 1800
- Open Arms – Veterans & Families Counselling – call 1800 011 046
- Black Dog Institute – Better Mental Health
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