Why can’t we always feel excited about our successes?
I’ve felt this thing for a while, where I’ve had a hard time appreciating and revelling in any successes, because I can’t help but think… Well, I don’t know – that I’ll jinx myself and invite bad times?
I don’t tend to think I’m superstitious, but clearly I’m at least cynical, or a pessimist, or both? And yes, actually, I’m great fun at parties.
But, a recent episode of the Freakonomics podcast struck a chord in me. The host, Stephen Dubner, was interviewing David Adjmi, the playwright behind the Broadway hit production, Stereophonic.
Adjmi shared some insight on his unexpected reaction to success. Despite achieving what many would consider the pinnacle of his career, Adjmi expressed a profound sense of dislocation and emotional turmoil.
Stephen DUBNER: I have a little bit of a hard time believing that.
ADJMI: No, I know. Everyone does. Because you can’t take in what’s good or bad. You’re just taking in stimuli. You’re taking in the overstimulation, which you can’t take in, because it exceeds your capacity. I know it’s positive intellectually, but the way I’m processing it isn’t, like, joyous. There’s moments of joy, and then we just get dislocated again because we don’t know what’s happening. It’s too weird. When your status changes, everyone starts to act really weird. I don’t like it.
This reaction surprised me, but it also felt immediately familiar.
Let’s unpack the reasons why even the most significant achievements can sometimes feel unsettling rather than exhilarating – especially for busy dads balancing multiple roles. I mean, speaking of familiar… here’s me working as a freelance journalist and designer, and being a parent, and trying to make a thing of DadBase.
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Overstimulation is the thing
When Adjmi says he feels like he’s been in a car accident, he’s capturing the essence of being overwhelmed.
Sudden success brings a flood of new experiences, responsibilities, and attention, which can be incredibly overstimulating. As dads, we juggle work, family, and personal ambitions, making it even more challenging to process a sudden influx of success. And, if you’ve got ADHD, that personal ambition can play an outsized role in your stress levels.
But, whether you’re neurotypical or neurodivergent, the brain struggles to handle this overload, leading to feelings of disorientation and stress. This overstimulation can overshadow the positive aspects of a win, making it hard to enjoy the moment fully.
Emotional dislocation: Change can feel unsettling
Major life changes, even positive ones, can be jarring. Adjmi’s description of feeling dislocated speaks to the emotional upheaval that often accompanies sudden success.
When our routines, relationships, and self-perceptions are upended, it’s natural to feel off-balance and uneasy. This emotional dislocation can make it difficult to connect with feelings of joy and accomplishment, especially when trying to maintain stability for our families.
Intellectual v emotional response: Knowing it’s good isn’t the same as feeling it’s good
Adjmi’s admission that he knows his success is positive but doesn’t feel joyous, highlights a common disconnect. Our minds can recognise achievements, but our emotions might not always align.
This split can occur due to various factors, including stress, imposter syndrome, or simply the sheer scale of the change. Understanding that it’s normal to have mixed feelings can be a step towards reconciling these internal conflicts.
And, yes fellas, balancing the intellectual knowledge of success with the emotional experience can be particularly tricky amidst family responsibilities.
Shifts in social dynamics: Success can alter relationships
Another layer of complexity comes from how others react to our success. Adjmi notes that changes in his status made people act strangely around him.
These shifts in social dynamics can add to the sense of dislocation. Friends, family, and colleagues might behave differently, sometimes out of jealousy, admiration, or even simple discomfort. This can be compounded by the expectations placed upon us by our families and communities. Navigating these new social landscapes can further complicate our emotional responses to success.
Moments of joy amidst confusion: Joy can be fleeting in chaotic times
Despite the overall turbulence, Adjmi acknowledges moments of joy. However, these fleeting instances are often overshadowed by confusion and uncertainty.
In times of significant change, our emotional states can fluctuate wildly, making it hard to sustain feelings of happiness. Recognising and savouring these brief moments can help ground us, even amid chaos.
The notion of ‘not knowing how good you’ve got it until it’s gone’ has been quoted in all manner of ways, but I like the way novelist Joe Abercrombie put it: “Strange, how the best moments of our lives we scarcely notice except in looking back.”
Navigating success, like any significant life change, is a process – one that we can learn to embrace with all its inherent complexities while balancing our roles as dads, partners, and individuals.
READ: It’s 2024! Pumped? If you’re not, this one’s for you
Or maybe just… take a break and watch a good flick with the kids?
Mike Stevens
Founder
Mike is a designer and journalist with nearly 20 years’ experience in automotive and consumer technology, editing and leading titles like The Motor Report, CarAdvice, Drive, and WhichCar. He is the co-founder of The Motor Report, and the founder of DadBase.
He’s also a photographer, gadgethead and erstwhile cyclist, and the proud ADHD dad to two ADHD kiddos.
Born and raised in Melbourne, Australia, Mike relocated to Berlin in 2024 with his wife and kids for travel and culture adventures.
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