I don’t know what you think your job is, as a dad, but you’re dead wrong if you think dad jokes isn’t a big part of it. And birthday wishes, well, that’s the most magical dad joke opportunity of them all.
I remember, right into my 20s, my dad would recycle the same old joke in my birthday card – and it never once felt worn out.
He’d start with something unique and thoughtful, that was the genuine and loving part of the card. And then he’d sign off with this gem: “I was going to put some money in the card, but I’d already sealed the envelope” – and then, of course, he’d seal the card into the envelope. So, you know… hell, I might as well explain the joke: how could he write “I’d already sealed the envelope” on the card that was inside the sealed envelope?
Damn I love that joke. I didn’t get it, the first few times, as a young kid. He’d have to explain it to me each time, but he didn’t mind. When you’re a dad, laughing at your own jokes is just as good as others laughing at them. And of course, as a teenager, I looked forward to getting that card with that same old joke. (He always gave me the cash afterwards, of course, straight out of his pocket. But not before warning me that he’d licked it all over.)
I haven’t used it on my kids yet, because forgetting brilliant things is a big part of having ADHD, but I’ll get around to it.
I don’t think any of the jokes below are as good as that one, but I might be biased. Still, if these help you, let me know! I’ve farmed them from all around the web, so if they suck, I don’t wanna hear about it. 😆
Give ’em the gift of laughter!
The basics
I’ve already warned the fire department, so go ahead and light the candles on your cake.
Whatever you do, don’t let aging get you down. It’s way too hard to get back up again!
Happy birthday to a dude who isn’t showing his age – or acting it, either.
You might be prehistoric, but at least you’re not extinct!
The secret to staying young is make-up – make up an age, then stick with it.
I can only hope to be as great as you one day. But, obviously with better style.
Happy birthday champ, you don’t look a day over 20! From a distance. While squinting.
Happy birthday to one of the only people whose birthday I can remember without my phone telling me.
You know you’re old when an ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to pee.
You know, you’ve just turned the perfect age. What was it again, by the way?
Happy birthday – you’re now a year closer to being that old guy who yells at kids to get off his lawn.
The best part of being old is that you did most of your stupid stuff before social media.
If it’s any consolation, in whiskey years you’re just getting tastier. Happy birthday!
You know you’ve hit middle age when your back is hairier than your head.
May you celebrate this birthday the way you celebrated the first one: naked and screaming.
Don’t think of it as aging, think of it as leveling up.
A true friend remembers your birthday, but not your age.
It’s better to be over the hill than under it.
Age is just the number of years the world has been enjoying you.
I’d be a lot more excited about you turning one year older if I was in your will.
It’s scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays live longer.
Have a GRATE birthday! (Hope that’s not too CHEESY.)
At least you’re not as old as you’ll be this time next year.
You know you’re getting old when caution is the only thing you exercise.
Happy 29 (again)!
And here’s some you can pinch from a few icons
“Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning.” – Bob Hope
“Looking fifty is great, if you’re sixty.” – Joan Rivers
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain
“I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it.” – Eva Gabor
“You can live to be hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.” – Woody Allen
“Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” – Lucille Ball
“I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don’t have to respect anybody.” – George Burns
“I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” – Phyllis Diller
“When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.” – Joan Rivers
“Inside every older person is a younger person… wondering what the hell happened.” – Terry Pratchett
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