I just saw this post from film director James Gunn pop up in the @DadBase.co feed on Threads, and I immediately found myself thinking… “yeah, same”.
We can’t embed Threads posts at the moment (the ‘get embed code’ option seems to be missing…), so here’s a screengrab followed by the text of his post.
User @andydv27: “What are the most challenging parts of being a director?”
@jamesgunn: “1) The hours. 2) Being open to & listening to the correct criticisms (ones that will make the movie better.) Many directors listen to none (disaster) or don’t discriminate between good & bad criticism (also disaster). 3) Pushing people you respect & look up to past your & their comfort level. 4) Realizing a director needs to be good at dozens of different, disconnected things, while accepting you’ll never be good at ALL of them. The job is consistently humbling in that way.”
Now, hell if this ain’t an almost identical analogy for parenting!
I might as well go through each point? Tell me if you agree or disagree.
The hours
Yeah… you think you know what you’re in for, but the utterly all-consuming commitment that is parenting will blow any new dad’s mind.
When our first was born in 2015, I was already pretty clear on all the ways my life was going to change. I’d read all the tips online, inhaled a few books by dads and mums alike, and spoken with friends from all across the ‘I love it / I hate it’ spectrum.
But even then, it was truly impossible to understand how much of every waking minute – and the new waking minutes that used to be sleeping minutes – would be consumed by the responsibilities of being a parent. Whether it’s helping them, listening out for them, or just bloody sitting on edge while anticipating the next interruption… oof. It’s a lot, to say the least.
Being open to & listening to the correct criticisms
“Many directors listen to none (disaster) or don’t discriminate between good & bad criticism (also disaster).”
From a parenting perspective, there are a few points embedded in this one. One is knowing when to listen to experts and family and friends, and when to trust in your instincts. It’s true that parenting is nothing new and there’s no shortage of genuinely useful advice out there – but your child is unique, you’re unique, your partner is unique, and the dynamic that creates will also be unique.
Knowing or feeling when to be open to criticism and feedback and advice, and when to say “thanks, but I’ve got this”, is a tricky journey. For me, anyway. ‘YMMV’ as they say… but I’m trying (and often failing) everyday to at least listen, take a beat, absorb the thoughts and build a direction from there.
But also, listen to the kids! Sometimes, being that young and inexperienced and unjaded can bring a clarity of thought that adults don’t have anymore. Let your kids set you straight.
Your child is unique, you’re unique, your partner is unique, and the dynamic that creates will also be unique.
Pushing people you respect, past their comfort level and your own
In parenting, this is often referred to as grit.
Grit, which essentially means perseverance and drive, comes naturally to some kids and parents, while in others (like me and my kids, but not my wife, to her eternal chagrin) it needs to be constantly developed.
You know the scene: your kid’s trying to do something, it’s hard, and they give up. It’s made even more challenging if your kid has ADHD (in my case, my son and I both have it), and/or obsessive perfectionism – which can lead pretty quickly to an explosive “argh!!”.
What I’m finding is that it’s important to stay calm (again, challenging for me as a dad with ADHD), give your kid a moment and patiently explain that we need to push on. They can have a few moments, or maybe even just agree to revisit it tomorrow – but if you know it’s an important lesson or task, don’t let them give up on it. Check out the video above for some thoughts on motivating your kids to push on.
It’ll be hard for you both, but every achievement is a future reminder that it can be done!
Realising a dad needs to be good at dozens of different, disconnected things
…while accepting you’ll never be good at all of them. The job is consistently humbling in that way.
Well, this one speaks for itself, doesn’t it. If you’re a dad (or one of our mum readers!), you know. Ooohh you know.
To your kids, you know everything. At least for a while. They’ll eventually realise you’re a mere mortal and that might disappoint them or surprise them – or it might even be a relief for them, to realise they, too, don’t need to become “good at dozens of different, disconnected things”. (Of course, if you or they have ADHD, that’ll probably happen anyway… and that’s not as awesome as it sounds!)
I think the most important thing though is to be honest with your kids about your strengths and weaknesses. Let them see your strengths and weaknesses, your successes and skills, your shortcomings or failures, as part of a rounded person. Show them that it’s good to know what you’re not good at, and that it’s up to you if you want to become good at that thing or if you know you don’t need it. It’s okay to not be good at something! But it really matters that your kids understand that.
Don’t let them see your flaws, or theirs, as something to be ashamed of or embarrassed by.
Thanks, James Gunn! I loved Guardians of the Galaxy, btw.
Mike Stevens
Mike is a dad, a motoring journalist, designer, photographer, gadgethead and erstwhile cyclist. Proudly ADHD 💪
News, gadgets, movies, toys, mobility, edc, etc.
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